John Carter

Reviews from the Dark Side presents
John Carter
Released 3/9/12, now on DVD

John Carter is the film adaptation of one part of the late Edgar Rice Burroughs' 11-volume Barsoom series of novels. It is based largely on the first volume, A Princess of Mars. The film is guided by first time live action director, Andrew Stanton (Wall-E, Finding Nemo).

John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) is an ex-Confederate officer. When he first appears, he is desperately attempting to shake a man tailing him through the city. He succeeds briefly enough to send an urgent telegram to his nephew, Ned. When Ned arrives at his uncle's mansion, John has mysteriously died and left Ned some very cryptic rules on how to care for the estate. He finds his uncle's journal and begins to learn the tale of John Carter's adventures 13 years prior to his "death."

After the Civil War, John began gold prospecting in the West where he comes to the attention of the U.S. military outpost in Arizona under the command of Colonel Powell (Bryan Cranston). Powell's outpost is charged with protecting settlers from attacking Apaches. He wants Carter for his reputation as a master horseman and swordsman and "asks" John to help in the policing effort. After escaping the fort with Powell and his cavalry in hot pursuit, John and Powell find themselves in a cave due to a melee with a group of Apaches. It is there that Carter is attacked by being appearing to be a human male wearing strange robes and brandishing a dagger. John kills his attacker and takes a strange looking amulet from the body. Before he knows what has happened he's transported to another world.

John awakes to find that he is different on this world. He can make Hulk-like leaps and has greater strength than he ever imagined he could have (which later is revealed  is due to the planet's lesser gravity and human bone density). He soon encounters a race of tall, green, warrior aliens called Tharks who take him prisoner. He is given a liquid to drink by the Jeddak's (king's) daughter so that Carter and the Thark's can understand each other (she's punished severely for this). He learns he is on the planet Barsoom (Mars) and becomes embroiled in a war between two longtime rival cities of Helium and Zodanga when it spills over in Thark land. The inhabitants of these cities look primarily human in appearance with the exception of a reddish tint to their flesh. The Zodangan Jeddak, Sab Than, has an upper hand in the conflict thanks primarily to a destructive weapon provided by a race of beings called the Therns (it's a Thern that attacked John in the cave). The Therns are not of Barsoom. They are a race of conquerors that subjugate worlds by manipulation. With the Therns prodding, Sab Than, offers a cease fire to the Helium Jeddak in exchange for an arranged marriage to his daughter, Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins). Dejah runs away from her commitment and meets John when he rescues her from pursuing Zondangans. When she learns of John's abilities, she tries to convince the reluctant ex-soldier to fight for her city's cause. War weary John doesn't want to fight another war and only has plans to return to Earth as soon as possible. But, due to his growing attraction to Dejah, he decides to stay on Barsoom just a little longer than expected.

So, John Carter is Marvel's first comic related movie of the year.  And while it didn't get nearly the great vibe and love from audiences and critics as Disney's second movie (The Avengers), John Carter is not a bad movie.  Not great by any means, but definitely entertaining.  The best way to describe the movie is to say it is pretty much the same as its star, Taylor Kitsch.  It's servicable.  Nothing about it from the special effects to the storyline will leave a lasting impression, but it should entertain you. 

I'm sorry.  I usually have more to say about the movies I review, but I don't really much more to say about John Carter.  It was kind of decent.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You'll forget about it three minutes after you see it.

The Dark Lord of the Sith says:

*** stars

Ratings Legend
Zero *= Don't waste your time. Pure dreck! Dreck is too good for this! Blind me please!
1 *= Fuggedaboutit!
2 *= Average, Mediocre, Nothing Special
3 *= Good viewing. Much better than a poke in the eye.
4 *= Great. Could possibly foot the price of a non-Matinee.
5 *= Pure eye candy. Hall of Fame material here.