The Expendables 2

Reviews from the Dark Side presents
The Expendables 2
Released 8/16/12, now in theaters

Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), Toll Road (Randy Couture), and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) return as the ragtag mercenary team, The Expendables in The Expendables 2.  Also returning for the second ride are CIA agent, Church (Bruce Willis), and rival mercenary, Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger).  Eighties action stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris join the fun for the first time with Liam Hemsworth, and Yu Nan.  Stallone relinquishes the directing reins to Simon West. 

We pick up with the team in Nepal on a rescue mission to obtain a Chinese businessman held by a guerilla army.  Many loud and gruesome deaths follow and the team not only rescues their target, but they also rescue Trench who was there for the businessman, too.  In their escape we are introduced to the newest member of the team, Billy the Kid (Hemsworth), who was formerly a U.S. Army sniper that served in Afghanistan. 

After a quick drop off (and by that I mean parachuting) of the businessman and Yin in China, Agent Church catches up with Ross again.  He is not happy with the team after they didn’t follow mission parameters in the first movie.  But he needs Ross and his “psychotic gang of mutts” for yet another covert mission.  This time he is going to have his own agent within the team with Maggie (Nan), a computer expert that knows how to take care of herself as we later discover.   The mission.  Church needs an item from the safe of an airplane shot down in Albania. 

The team, with Maggie, retrieve the item only to have it taken from them by international criminal, Jean Vilain (Van Damme) and his mercenary army, The Sangs.  Vilain leaves a parting gift for them by murdering Billy.  Why do Church and Vilain need the item in the safe?  It is the blueprint to finding a weapons grade plutonium store left by the Russians from the Cold War.  Vilain means to sell it for $4 million/kilo.  The Expendables mean to put Vilain in his grave for Billy. 

Along the way, the team is assisted by Booker (Norris),  an old friend of Barney’s.  Church and Trench also return for an assist.  Will this ragtag band stop Vilain and avenge Billy?  One thing’s certain.  There’s going to be plenty of gunfire and broken necks to come.

Remember what I said about Premium Rush in a previous review?  That it was dumb fun?  If that was dumb fun, The Expendables is bigger and louder dumber fun.  It’s even more over the top than its predecessor and the one liners flow like wine.  But you know what saves this from being just plain bad?  It’s deliberately made this way.  The macho testosterone that fills the screen is prevalent, but it’s all done in a very tongue-in-cheek way.  A couple of times I could just see the actors fight not to laugh.  Sometimes, I don’t think they could fight it.  Seriously, Van Damme is the villain in the movie and his name is Vilain?  His actions couldn’t tell us?  The way everyone chewed up the screen reminded me of movies like Shoot ‘Em Up.  And I don’t mind wild and over the top when it’s intentional.  This definitely harkens back to ‘80s style action movies.  Bullets fly everywhere and the good guys never get hit (well Stallone got hit in the vest twice), yet their aim is always true.  Blood spurts, henchmen are decapitated.  Great stuff.

As for performances, all Jet Li fans be prepared.  After the first 20 minutes, you don’t see him again.  For the time he is onscreen,  he gives us his usual great martial arts display.  And I think I’ve told everyone how much I like Jason Statham before.  I don’t believe he has true martial arts skills, but he sure does fake it well.  He oozes “cool” as he does it, too.  Terry Crews is absolutely crazy, but in a funny way.  Everyone else gives their usual action star performances.  One nice touch is an acknowledgement of the famous “Chuck Norris Facts” that have entered popular culture.  The one referenced in the film involves a cobra.  For Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans, Charisma Carpenter makes another cameo as Lee’s girlfriend, Lacy. 

I was not a believer in the first Expendables movie.  I streamed it again on Netflix and it grew on me.  It’s just a fun time to have this many stars in one movie.  The Expendables 2 is by no means an award winning movie, but it doesn’t have to be.  It’s not for everyone, but it is entertaining. 

Is Steven Segal far behind for Expendables 3?  He’s the biggest name out there Stallone hasn’t used yet.

The Dark Lord of the Sith says:

***1/4 stars

Ratings Legend
Zero *= Don't waste your time. Pure dreck! Dreck is too good for this! Blind me please!
1 *= Fuggedaboutit!
2 *= Average, Mediocre, Nothing Special
3 *= Good viewing. Much better than a poke in the eye.
4 *= Great. Could possibly foot the price of a non-Matinee.
5 *= Pure eye candy. Hall of Fame material here.

Premium Rush

Reviews from the Dark Side presents
Premium Rush
Released 8/24/12, now in theaters

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a busy man this summer.  He returns in this week’s Premium Rush directed by David Koepp.  The film co-stars Michael Shannon, Dania Ramirez, and Jamie Chung.

Wilee (Gordon-Levitt), as in “Wile E.” Coyote, is a New York City bicycle messenger.  He studied to become a lawyer, but never took the Bar.  Wilee prefers the wide open, if often congested , space of the NYC streets to wearing suits and sitting behind desks.  He’s fearless and reckless on his bike dodging in and out of traffic, on to sidewalks, etc. to get his packages to their destination in time.  He has removed the brakes on his bike for an even greater adrenaline rush.  He works alongside his girlfriend, Vanessa (Ramirez).  Vanessa’s roommate, Nima (Chung), delivers $50,000 saved over a couple years (for a very personal reason) to Leung, a money launderer.  In exchange for the cash, Leung gives Nima an innocent looking movie ticket to be delivered to “Sister Chen” in Chinatown.  Leung warns her that whoever has the ticket can claim her money.  Nima needs this securely delivered to Chen and can’t risk taking it herself if anyone were to know about it.  So she does the next best thing.  She calls Wilee’s courier service and gets Wilee himself.  Almost as soon as he takes the envelope with the ticket, he is pursued by NYPD detective, Bobby Monday (Shannon).  It seems Bobby is a bad gambler who is in to local loan shark, Lin, for high gambling debts.  Lin knows about the ticket and wants Monday to retrieve it for him.  Wilee has a deadline of 7 p.m. to get the envelope to Sister Chen, and it’s a race against time, Monday, and rival couriers to meet the deadline.

Premium Rush is loaded with death defying feats on bicycles and near death close calls.  Many of the conflicts could probably be solved if the characters were just a bit smarter.  But you know what else Premium Rush is?  Dumb fun.  It’s a nice end of summer distraction.  The main characters’ back stories are told in flashback.  Sometimes that can be good, sometimes that can be confusing.    Luckily,  Premium Run, shifts seamlessly from the present to the past and vice versa.  One great little nuance in the film is how Wilee runs through various outcomes in his head when confronted with a dangerous situation on his bike.  The scenarios range from tragic to ridiculously hilarious.  And let’s not forget the poor bicycle cop Wilee torments throughout the movie.  Good for a few laughs.

There really are no standout performances.  The closest is Shannon’s manic, borderline psychotic detective.  He’s good, but he’s more of a cartoon character with his violent tantrums.  Entertaining to be sure.  But, award-winning?  Not quite.  The other character seem to be caricatures.  There’s Wilee as the smarter than what he’s doing in life daredevil, his put upon girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (wasn’t sure) who wants out of the life and thinks he should do more, the sleazy co-worker who tries to get between them, the lecherous boss who cheats his employees, and so on. 

Premium Rush is an entertaining thrill ride.  It has enough near death experiences on speeding bikes to keep your eyes glued.  Kudos to the great camera work. Don’t expect much as far as storytelling because, as I said earlier, the characters could probably solve most of their problems if they just sat down and thought for a minute.  Shut your brain off and enjoy the roller coaster is my best advice.

The Dark Lord of the Sith says:

***stars

Ratings Legend
Zero *= Don't waste your time. Pure dreck! Dreck is too good for this! Blind me please!
1 *= Fuggedaboutit!
2 *= Average, Mediocre, Nothing Special
3 *= Good viewing. Much better than a poke in the eye.
4 *= Great. Could possibly foot the price of a non-Matinee.
5 *= Pure eye candy. Hall of Fame material here.

Sparkle

Reviews from the Dark Side presents
Sparkle
Released 8/17/12, now in theaters

Sparkle marks the acting debut of American Idol winner, Jordin Sparks.  It is a remake of the 1976 movie of the same name.  The film also marks Whitney Houston’s final Hollywood feature.  Co-stars Derek Luke, Mike Epps, Cee Lo Green, Omari Hardwick, Carmen Ejogo and Tika Sumpter round out the cast.

Sparkle is set in 1960s Detroit and follows the title character (Sparks) and her siblings, Sister (Ejogo) and Dee (Sumpter).  Sister and Sparkle are first discovered in a club run by Black (Green).  They catch the eye of talent seeker, Stix (Luke).  While Sparkle is the more talented of the two sisters (she writes songs and sings), she is shy and unsure of herself.  Sister has no such hang ups  and knows how to “work it” onstage.  After Sister sings one of Sparkle’s songs onstage at the club, Stix knows he has to be this duo’s manager.  He is told by Black that the sisters have a third sibling that can also sing.  He’s also told about their strict mother, Emma (Houston).  Stix gets closer to Sparkle, partly because he likes the shy girl, and partly to convince the sisters to form a Supremes type group.  But the group has several obstacles to overcome, including their controlling mother, a slimy comedian (Epps) that catches Sister’s eye, and an accidental death that changes everything.

Sparkle is an entertaining enough film, but you get the sense of “been there done that.”  If you’ve seen Dreamgirls, tweak a few details and you have Sparkle.  Jordin Sparks is good in her debut and it should lead to future roles.  There is one thing I will say though.  Whitney Houston sings one solo.  And we have a shell of Whitney.  Granted Whitney bad is probably better than many singers on the planet, but the woman in this movie is not the same as the one that hit that incredible note in “I Will Always Love You.”  The standout of the film is Mike Epps.  His wisecracking, moderately popular national comedian, Satin,  has a smoldering evil streak underneath that jokester veneer.  When he gets what’s due to him, you almost cheer.

Sparkle would be a fine movie to watch on cable and On Demand or rent from Netflix and Redbox, but I don’t think it’s worth beating down your local theater’s doors.

The Dark Lord of the Sith says:

*** stars

Ratings Legend
Zero *= Don't waste your time. Pure dreck! Dreck is too good for this! Blind me please!
1 *= Fuggedaboutit!
2 *= Average, Mediocre, Nothing Special
3 *= Good viewing. Much better than a poke in the eye.
4 *= Great. Could possibly foot the price of a non-Matinee.
5 *= Pure eye candy. Hall of Fame material here.

The Bourne Legacy

Reviews from the Dark Side presents
The Bourne Legacy
Released 8/10/12, now in theaters

The Bourne series returns this weekend without the title character, Jason Bourne.  This time a new operative steps into the spotlight.  The fourth Bourne film stars newcomers Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz, and Edward Norton.  Returning from the previous films are Joan Allen, Albert Finney, and David Strathairn. 

The fourth film follows new black ops operative, Aaron Cross (Renner).  He is part of a new CIA backed black ops program (Outcome) that uses drugs to enhance its agents.  There are two different pills they take, a green one that enhances physical prowess and a blue one that enhances mental capacity. 

When Jason Bourne (mentioned, not seen) exposes the project (Operation Blackbriar) that recruited him leading to Senate testimony from CIA Deputy Director, Landy (Allen) and Blackbriar Supervisor, Vosen (Strathairn), the powers that be at Outcome become nervous.  Under the guidance of Eric Byer (Norton), the entire project is shut down.  And by shut down, I mean all operatives and scientists associated with the project are killed. 

There are two survivors.  One is Dr. Marta Shearing (Weisz), a chemist, who barely escapes one of her colleagues being activated by Byer to kill everyone in her lab.  The other is Cross.  When the movie starts he’s on a training assignment in Alaska.  He encounters a second agent who is only known as #3.  When Outcome is “shut down”, a fighter plane is sent to kill 3 and Cross (#5).  A missile annihilates 3.  Cross is able to shoot it down and escape a second fighter.

Cross makes his way back to the mainland just in time to save Dr. Shearing from agents sent to assassinate her in her home.  Cross remembers the doctor when he was acting as a human guinea pig for Outcome’s experiments.  He needs Shearing so she can obtain more pills.  The effects of the blue pill don’t last, and Cross doesn’t want to be what he was before.  It seems that before Cross became a super soldier, he wasn’t the smartest man.  In fact, his military recruiter had to falsify his intelligence scores so he could be at the minimum IQ for enlistment.  He was “killed “ in the Iraq War by a roadside bomb in order to become part of Outcome’s experimentation.  Aaron Cross isn’t even his real name.  The duo’s only advantage after the save is the leaders of Outcome believe them to be dead after Cross sets fire to the doctor’s house to cover their tracks.  The hoax won’t last long once the bodies in the house are identified.  He convinces Shearing to help him.

She reveals that Aaron was genetically altered to accept the effects of the green pills without constant consumption.  However, there is a way to make the effects of the blue pills permanent as well.  They go to Manila where the pills are manufactured to break into the lab.  She injects him with a serum and they wait to see if the experiment is successful.  They will need all of Aaron’s skills shortly as Outcome has discovered they are still alive and are in hot pursuit.

After Aaron comes back to the mainland, The Bourne Legacy takes off at the same frenetic pace as its predecessors.  Jeremy Renner is a believable action star.  Edward Norton is one of the most underrated actors of this generation.  I still don’t know how he hasn’t won an Oscar yet.  And I’ve always liked Rachel Weisz.  So, good cast.  Check.  Thrilling fights and chases. Check.  But there’s something missing.  What could it be?  If you watch this movie, tell me that you didn’t think it ended just a little abruptly and leaves you with a feeling of wha’?  The payoff just wasn’t there for me.  I’ve said it before.  It matters how you end a movie.  There really is no set up for the next film.  Maybe that’s by design since the series has gone in a new direction.  I thought there could have been a better prelude of what’s to come. 

The Bourne Legacy is a capable, if not spectacular follow up to the series.  I’ve never read any of the Bourne novels, but here’s hoping for a Bourne/Cross team up in the future breaking some heads.

The Dark Lord of the Sith says:

***1/4 stars


Ratings Legend
Zero *= Don't waste your time. Pure dreck! Dreck is too good for this! Blind me please!
1 *= Fuggedaboutit!
2 *= Average, Mediocre, Nothing Special
3 *= Good viewing. Much better than a poke in the eye.
4 *= Great. Could possibly foot the price of a non-Matinee.
5 *= Pure eye candy. Hall of Fame material here.

Total Recall

Reviews from the Dark Side presents
Total Recall
Released 8/3/12, now in theaters

The classic sci-fi cult hit gets a new face this week with the release of a big budget remake.  Taking Arnold Scwarzenegger's place is Colin Farrell as mind altered secret agent, Douglas Quaid/Carl Hauser.  Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, and Bryan Cranston co-star. 

In the late 21st Century, chemical warfare has decimated most of Earth. The only livable locations have split into two factions, The United Federation of Britain and The Colony (formerly Australia).  The UFB holds the wealth and political power.  The citizens of The Colony are mostly laborers who commute to the UFB through "The Fall" , a massive type of elevator connecting the two locations.  There is bad blood between the two regions as a group calling itself, The Resistance, has formed in The Colony.

Douglas Quaid is a troubled man.  He's recently begun having dreams of what seems like a past life where he is trying to escape a facility with a beautiful, unnamed woman.  He's captured, the woman escapes, and Quaid wakes up before events can progress every time.  His "loving" wife, Lori (Beckinsale), tries to console and relax him.  But Doug is restless and still thinks something is missing in his life.  He lives in The Colony and commutes to the UFB daily to a dead end factory job with his best friend and co-worker, Harry (Bokeem Woodbine).  After work the two always go to the same bar to unwind.  Doug believes there has to be more to life than this. 

 He's become intrigued by a company based in The Colony called Rekall.  Rekall promises to make your dreams come true by implanting artificial memories in your head that feel as real as any legitimate memory you have.  He's warned off Rekall by Harry, but the pull is too strong.  At Rekall, Doug meets with their representative, McClane (John Cho).  For some reason, Doug finds the secret agent memory implant fascinating.  He is tested to ensure compatibility with the implant.  When the test fails, McClane accuses him of being a real spy.  A squad of heavily armed police officers enters Rekall and guns down McClane and the rest of the staff.  As Quaid is being arrested, a light clicks on in his head.  Before he knows what's happening, he has killed all of the officers.  Rather easily at that. 

When he returns home, he gets the shock of his life when Lori tries to kill him after he tells her what transpired.  Lori's not who he thinks she is.  She is a secrent agent herself who has been given the cover story of being Quaid's wife by her boss, Chancellor Cohaagen (Cranston), with the express purpose of spying on her "husband."  Quaid apparently has knowledge in his foggy memories that is valuable to both the UFB and The Resistance.  In a mad chase through The Colony, he eventually escapes Lori and her agents only to be pursued by them again when he reaches the UFB.  It is here he is reunited with the woman in his dreams, Melina (Biel).  She is one of the chief lieutenants in The Resistance and is the one who convinced Quaid to switch sides when, as Carl Hauser, he was sent by Cohaagen to infiltrate The Resistance.  Now, it's a race against time for Quaid and Melina to reach the leader of The Resistance, Mathias (Bill Nighy), with what's in his head before they are caught by Cohaagen's forces.

So, now the question is how does this remake compare with the original?  I've got mixed emotions.  While there is no doubt the special effects here dwarf the original, this story is a lot more bleak. And I don't mind bleak if the story is enthralling and makes you think.  There was really nothing to think about except what other type of impossible escape Quaid could make this time.  It was a big chase movie and little more.  It didn't have the fun of the original complete with stupid Ah-nuld one liners and all.  Gone are the mutants that made the first a litte off putting and delightfully silly at the same time.  Actually, that's not entirely true.  The remake still gives us the three breasted prostitute, although it did feel a little out of place since everyone else was normal.  And, of course, the whole. film takes place on Earth.  Mars isn't remotely involved in the remake.

However, that isn't to say the remake is bad.  It isn't.  In fact, it's highly entertaining at times.  The problem is it just doesn't have a lot of flair.  It's like some foods you eat.  It fills you up as you're eating, but you're hungry an hour later.  It's loud, many things explode, and plenty of police officers and soldiers serve as cannon fodder.

The beautiful people were hired for this movie.  You know it's true.  Farrell, Beckinsale, and Biel.  Good looking cast.  And they turn in good performances, although I do think Beckinsale is the standout here.  She is absolutely, positively evil to the core.  Didn't know she had it in her.

Overall, it's harmless Summer  fare.  You'll be entertained, but it won't stick with you to any great degree. 

The Dark Lord of the Sith says:

*** 1/4 stars

Ratings Legend
Zero *= Don't waste your time. Pure dreck! Dreck is too good for this! Blind me please!
1 *= Fuggedaboutit!
2 *= Average, Mediocre, Nothing Special
3 *= Good viewing. Much better than a poke in the eye.
4 *= Great. Could possibly foot the price of a non-Matinee.
5 *= Pure eye candy. Hall of Fame material here.