Machete Kills

Reviews from the Dark Side presents
   Machete Kills
Released 10/11/13, now in theaters

Oh, the humanity!  And blood!  And guts!  And gore!  And just about any other ridiculous scenario you could conceive!  Yes, it's acclaimed director, Robert Rodriguez's follow up to his 2010 B-movie cult hit, Machete, which itself was fleshed out into a motion picture from a "fake" trailer in 2007's Grindhouse.  But, this time...Machete Kills!  OK, he kills in the first movie, too.  But didn't that sound nice and cheesy?

Speaking of cheesy, that's the Machete series in a nutshell.  For those not yet familiar with these movies, Machete (Danny Trejo) is an ex-Federale-turned-spy who is tougher than shoe leather, very skilled in the art of killing, and impossible to kill himself.  And, he seems to get every beautiful woman in the film like James Bond. 

So, what's left for our anti-hero to do after all of the death and carnage from the first film.  Is there anyone left to kill?  Of course, there is.

 After an unfortunate incident involving  his partner/love interest, Sartana (Jessica Alba), Machete is recruited by U.S. President, Rathcock (Charlie Sheen, or Carlos Estevez, or whatever he's calling himself these days.  And yes that is his name in this movie).  An insane ex-drug kingpin-turned-revolutionary, Mendez (Demian Bichir), has acquired a deadly missile that he has pointed squarely at Washington, D.C.  Machete is sent to infiltrate Mendez's organization and kill him if he's a serious threat.

 On this unbelievable road of chaos, he encounters several unusual people.  There is his appointed handler who is only known as Miss San Antonio (Amber Heard).  If you haven't guessed, her cover is competing as a pageant queen.  There is Madame Desdemona (Sofia Vergara), the proprietor of a seedy brothel in Mexico.  You probably won't recognize one of Desdemona's girls who goes by the name, Killjoy (Alexa Vega).  Don't remember her?  Check out any of the Spy Kids movies and prepare for your mind to be blown!  How about the bounty hunter, El Camaleon or La Chamaleon?  Oh, you think these are two different people?  Well, they aren't, although Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding Jr., Walton Goggins, and Lady Gaga each take their crack at being this character.  And, finally, there's Luther Voz (Mel Gibson).  Luther, the true threat in the film, is an eccentric billionaire arms dealer who has launched a worldwide conspiracy to make the planet a giant crater. 

Let's just get this out of the way now.  This is one of the craziest, most idiotic movies you will see in your life!  Seriously, there is actually a scene where Machete disembowels a bad guy and throws his intestines into a spinning helicopter blade allowing the blade to pull the still attached evildoer into its deadly rotation.  That pretty much says it all about the over-the-top violence.  Bad, bad, bad, and more bad.  It's horrible, mind-numbing, adolescent and...funny as Hell!  Made you think I hated Machete Kills, didn't I?

This is the first and only warning I will give those who read this review.  This movie is made for a very specialized audience.  It's for those who like their big explosions and gory death with a enormous slice of T&A.  Machete Kills for all intents and purposes is an unlabeled comedy.  The cartoonish violence, bad scene-chewing acting, and massive cleavage is all perpetrated by Rodriguez and company with tongues firmly in cheeks.  And then, of course, there's Machete's habit of referring to himself in the third person ("Machete don't text").  This is a B-movie that revels in its lunacy, and for that , you have to give all involved credit.

So, with that said, I do recommend a movie that many will see as tripe.  It's one of those movies that's so bad, it's good.  So, drink it in Machete Kills.  You have now reached the status of other "bad" classics such as Shoot 'Em Up, the 80's version of Flash Gordon, and your predecessor.  Very high praise, indeed!

Until the release of Machete Kills Again...In Space (don't laugh, there was a trailer), this is the Dark Lord signing off.

The Dark Lord of the Sith says:

***1/4 stars

Ratings Legend
Zero *= Don't waste your time. Pure dreck! Dreck is too good for this! Blind me please!
1 *= Fuggedaboutit!
2 *= Average, Mediocre, Nothing Special
3 *= Good viewing. Much better than a poke in the eye.
4 *= Great. Could possibly foot the price of a non-Matinee.
5 *= Pure eye candy. Hall of Fame material here.